torsdag 22 november 2007

Tacksamhet

Thanksgiving is drawing to a close, and I'm wondering if I feel thankful for anything.

I really don't.

Which makes me something of a bastard. I've had some good luck the last weeks. Things could have gone considerably worse. And on this most thankfulilicious day of all days, I just feel let down.


I guess it's been a stressful day. A 'hey you do this then do that and while you're at do this too' kind of day. Even going to a party with Timbuk didn't cheer me up much. Because it was such a jävla Möllan party. Fuck fucking Möllan. Winge winge fucking winge.

Challenge is great. I want to be challenged. I don't want things to be easy. It just wears me out that everything has been a challenge the last year. Everything. With no affection of any kind. I've been making strides forward, but these last days I feel like I've been launched years backwards. I know everything can change in an instant. I've had several of those instants the past couple months. I wasn't even looking for them. Now I'm aching for one.

In my last post I claimed that I didn't put myself out there just to complain, and here I am wasting this space away with my inane ramblings. But it's the one day a year when it's allowed.

Big ups to Squanto.

måndag 12 november 2007

Life's little mysteries

I don't understand me.

The last two weeks many things have changed. I haven't handled it particularly well. Which is odd, since things have all been changing for the better: breathtakingly better living situation, finally getting established at my real job and getting rid of the unspeakable one. Yet somehow I've managed to feel even more stressed and lost than usual. I've avoided writing in this green space because it would have been nothing but inane rambling and complaining, and I don't like to put myself out there if it's only to winge with nothing insightful to add.

But amongst the many footfalls back and forth across this shiny wooden floor, I think I figured out what has been mind-fucking me.

Adversity is simple. You have a problem. You work to change it. The unknown is complicated. You have an open-ended situation. You don't know what you're working toward. You go batshit insane.

I knew what I had to do before. I had to fix the very apparent problems at hand. Now they are (mostly) fixed. Or at least significantly eased. Now the epoch of my life where it was simply a struggle to get by, to get my life together, to put my head down and just get through it has passed. Now I have no focus, and have suddenly realized how lonely life can be here, and have to deal in a new, real way with the long term future. I can't be sure, but I think this is what has been tossing my insides around these weeks. It seems like an obvious conclusion now, but I just couldn't understand why I felt the way I did. Why when things got better I felt worse. I shall visualize this feeling with a singularity, a place where all the rules everything you have ever known are based on cease to exist, and you have no idea what the fuck is going on inside:



I'm sure I'll adjust to this new mode of life at some point. I've already simmered down a good deal. But damn, is this ever stressing me out and wearing my nerves thin. It's times like these where I really feel the lack of any close contact. When I'm painfully reminded that all those people are far away. Nothing for it. Just have to face it. See what's in there. I can only admit that I have no idea what is coming next.

Am I weak? Am I strong? Those words seem utterly meaningless right now...

torsdag 1 november 2007

Drop in and say hi

It's been a full night. I got out of work early today, because the one friend I have with a car who could help me move only had two particular hours free. On his way over some guy drove into him and broke his rear taillight. Nothing major, no one hurt, cest la vie.

The moving went smoothly thereafter, didn't even have to see the roomie a last time as he was mysteriously absent. I had a bit of tea with my helper friend before he scurried off to the airport to pick up a friend. And about 20 minutes later the TV license man rings the doorbell to ask if I have a TV. "Why no, I most certainly do not. I'm new to this land, what on Earth is a TV, anyway? Where I'm from all we do is read books, pick potatoes and hunt lobster." I've been here nigh two years and never gotten a visit from the TV license people, and then I get one 1 hour after moving into the new place.

And after nigh 6 months of living at that place-which-must-not-be-named without having one single friend over, I have two over my first night at the new place. Shortly after my governmental check-up, I was on my way out to IKEA to get some things which I was in want of. Then a friend calls and we end up going to furniture Nirvana together and then he and his special lady friend came over for dinner, and we just hang out for a very relaxed evening. Which was really fantastic, just having a nice little place of my own to have the people I care about come and spend a nice night. To not feel stressed and trapped and uncomfortable all the time. There's always time for unpacking tomorrow. Or whenever.

Right now I really love that I can have people over without a second thought. So come one, come all while the feeling lasts. I will greet you with a smile at the door and offer you my couch to sleep on. It will be lovely.