onsdag 5 mars 2008

Various thoughts written down over the course of one day of my life

It’s odd writing down lines that I thought of earlier and decided were necessary to spell out. It’s like I’m cheating any potential readers by making it seem like these thoughts pouring out are spontaneous – living and breathing right now. It’s like I’m cheating myself by scribbling down old rusty thoughts (thoughts take mere moments to decay) instead of letting them become new ones – living and breathing right now.

But that wasn’t the train of thought I scrolled down this Word document I was working on here at the office to write down. That was a new one. What has been on my mind this morning is that yet again I’ve let any kind of my own personal writing slip when I’ve been shown over and over that I need it to stay balanced. Why is it so fucking easy to forget? This here, just letting my fingers string thoughts in disarray into solid words, is not a chore. It’s cathartic. And it always helps. And when I’m pacing across my floor, pulling my hair, aching for some release, I always forget it is an option. I wish I had it in me to be an addict.

Already I’ve wandered away from the computer, feeling better with things, and lost the drive to keep writing. Even though I most definitely know that there are muddled things in my brain that need an out, and need this place where I’m free to let them loose. Talking it out with folks is great, but restricted in many ways. And as I delete the line I really wanted to write because it was too open, because it made myself too vulnerable to any eyes straying this way, the restrictions of this space become evident. Words can only do so much, anyway. Coax it along...

Fuck me my neck is tense today. I woke up feeling as though things were lighter, but my body seems to still be drawing inwards. Maybe it’s just a sort of stress hangover. But the truth is more obvious: I just slept on it funny, it doesn’t mean anything. I’m thinking too hard again. Fuck Occam and his stupid fucking razor. I want my irrational justification today.

Much of the day has passed. My neck feels better. But the stress bubbles are returning. The project I'm working on is frustrating. Thinking about too many parts at once, can’t seem to get focused down onto one thing. But this is what I get paid for, to create something good out of difficult circumstances, within a small box. It would help if I had more confidence. Maybe this isn’t the smartest career path for someone so sensitive, so self-critical, so incapable of selling himself. Oh well, back to it go I.

I should really do this stream-of-consciousness thing every day. It calms me. Helps me with perspective. Makes me less insane. What does it matter if anyone finds this worth reading. It had fallen by the wayside anyway.

(paragraph deleted - search private vaults for missing excerpt)

Night’s fallen, feeling worn out. Like I’ve been through a great deal, climbed a mountain or two. Weird body I have. Or brain I suppose, whichever bit controls tiredness. Guess I do have more confronting me than usual, it does wear on a bloke. But good things are happening. Just need to crawl through some more rubbish and I’ll move on to a whole new shift in my life, I know it’s coming now. It keeps coming. Overhauled over and over again has my life been the last year. It’s been a long year. My longest perhaps, with a plethora of landmarks of all shapes and sizes. Landmarks show the passing of time, time drifts by seamlessly when the landscape flattens out and you drive along at the speed limit. Some people may want that. I want valleys and mountains and plunges and hair-raising leaps through empty air. Even if it leaves me inexplicably exhausted.

God my writing is rubbish right now. Until next time then, dear readers. Whatever next time brings.

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